Heather, the jail-keeper

In light of recent news, I would like to take the time to comment on the release of Paris from the LA jail. I think she is a snooty little brat who has to have her way (sorry, Amanda) but I have told you all this once before, so I digress...


I thought about this today as I was running an errand at Office Depot (picking up paper for work, if you want to know) and waiting in line at Seattle Drip (mmmm...I had a gift card from a girl in my Sunday School class. Again, more than you wanted to know).

I thought about what I would do if I were the security gaurd for Paris's cell, which would be dark and dingy and would smell like rotten eggs with a dash of burnt popcorn and dead roses.

I imagined a conversation between the two of us would go something like this. (side note: I would of course be so hott, so she would have high hopes in being my friend, but being the kind of jail-keeper that I am, I would not fall into that Lohan-Hilton trap.)


Paris: "Hey Heath, why don't you let me out. I mean, I didn't do anything and this room is so not hott. "

Jail-keeper Heather: "Hey Paris, why don't you shut up and come rub my feet."

Paris: "Heath, why you be so mean. You are so hott and you could totally come join me on Simple Life. We should totally become BFF."

At this point I would throw her in her cell and not come back. She thinks she is so cool, but she is not. Plus, I think I would intimidate her. I am, afterall, pretty intimidating...

Thanks for letting me vent.

On another jail-bird note: I wish I were like Martha Stewart. I don't so much want to look like her (her hair doesn't move) or talk like her (kinda annoying) but she does do some cute things and I can imagine her Christmas dinners are to die for. I would be the talk of the street. People would refer to me as "the girl who can cook a mean meal" or "the girl who can do it all". It would be nice.



I almost bought Martha Stewart Living today at Office Depot, but I was using my work's credit card and I don't think I could justify the magazine for marketing residence life through creating a homemade summer wreath.



Such is the life, I suppose...